Pitch the lists!

 

 I know we all have them.  They are tucked tight in the cover of our bible, journal or spiral.  Maybe put away in a special box somewhere under our bed or on a shelf. They are the infamous lists that both male and females have on each other.  A wish list will you, on what characteristics and personalities they want in a future spouse.  I confess that I to have had a few that have been revised over the years.  But after a time I have found that my expectations are too high and unjust for any male to ever compete with, as are yours most likely.  These lists people make that are three pages long single spaced are ludacris.  Where is there room to hope for the person you both will become together.  The fact is there isn't.  The make up of the person you have listed is that of a fully complete human being, a saint, a god.  It is incredibly unrealistic and harmful to both us women and the men we come across.  We soon have theses requirements memorized and begin to judge all the men we come in contact with.  Think honestly, how many time do you meet a new man, give him the up and down and then immediately begin comparing him to your list?  There is no room for forgiveness or growth. We automatically write this person off as a marriage hopeful and trick ourselves into thinking that this can't be God's best for us since he doesn't compare with our wishes.  But what about what God wants for us.  We can pray that God will give us the wisdom to discern his best for us but these lists are destructive to His will many times.  We marry for the purpose of experience and maturing in selfless love and faith. "Above all,  love each other deeply, for love covers a multitude of sins." - 1 Peter 4:8. We learn selfless love through loving God first above all and through loving our spouse. After all marriage is a parallel between us and God that unbelievers can experiences here on earth.  It is mission work at its finest, in silent form.  But these lists are a most selfish display of expectation.  It is purely self serving.  It is all about what you want out of a person.  Why not focus on what you can do to prepare yourself to serve that person?

Genuine love is about what you can do to better the life of another individual, not what they can do for yours.  We don't love God through expecting things from Him.  We love Him by serving Him.  This is where we find true fulfillment in everything.  You cannot roam the earth with your list in hand holding it in comparison to every seemingly interested male that crosses your path and you turn them down simply because they don't posses, what...one...two, three probably even four of your so called 'requirements'.  How fair is that.  That is far from loving or forgiving, not to mention far from trusting the will of our Lord. There is no hope there whatsoever to look forward to the person that they will become.  No man is a perfect husband or father while still in his single years.  He has had no experience in the field yet.  We also cannot condemn them for their past as long as they have turned complete from their sin, repented and see clear evidence that the Lord is working in their lives.  You set yourself up for nothing but disappointment after disappointment  if you expect to much.  Rather than hanging exhausting expectations above their heads why not offer men what they want and need, respect above all, gentleness, kindness, admiration, gratefulness, a positive demeanor, and praise! The Lord planted all of theses qualities in us women. It is a big part of our feminine make up!  Some of the qualities come more naturally than others, but that leaves room for improvement!  Another important tidbit is to remember that the character you develop in your single years is the character you will be left with at the time of your engagement and marriage.  Don't expect the man that melts your heart to also instantly perfect your character. That's not fair to put all that pressure on one human being. He is not the source of your character or emotional fulfillment. Your character will strengthen as you grow together as a couple, but don't waste the time you have now.  
    
 Now men do expect to much of us in the same ways sometimes.  They too have lists but they also have this phrase they love to use. The infamous "Proverbs 31 Woman." I have seen her name mentioned all to many times on Facebook status's and heard her name mentioned in passing conversation.  They are all waiting for their "Proverbs 31 Woman." We women expect to much of them through our lists we make ourselves, but men have a biblical list. A list you can find in Proverbs chapter 31 verses 10 through 31.  The only flaw with their list is that it is the description of a married woman.  Not only married but also a mother wise in her years.  They are looking for these characteristics in a single woman They aren't going to find this exact description but they can find the beginnings of this mature woman in a single woman.
    
 Now that we've thrown out our old list where do we start and what should it consist of.  Well we know one thing the man we should marry should be a man after God's own heart.

1. A man after God's own heart.

Someone that is one the same or slightly higher spiritual level than yourself so that he has the ability and freedom to lead you later on in marriage.  You both should share the same convictions theologically, denominationally and in your worship preferences. ie, contemporary or traditional.

2.  He spends time in the word.

We all know that it is difficult to grow in the Lord if you aren't spending time in the word.  If you expect to be lead by a man then he should be seeking the word so that he can 'wash' you with it.  (Ephesians 5:26)

3.  He is a man of Prayer.


Men have a responsibility to weep and mourn and intercede for others . (Ephesians 6:18)


4.  Respectful to you and elders

Does he respect his mother? If not chances are he won't respect you either.  Exodus 20:12; Ephesians 6:1-3  Be alert also to the man who has not spoken to his parents in years and has stopped all mutual communication. In some instances, this might be justified; but, in most, it’s an indication of hard- heartedness.  However watch out also for the man who is excessively attached to his mother and her opinions.  Also be aware of a man who is looking for a mother figure rather than a wife.  They tend to abdicate their role as the leader in their home.  

5.  He is active in a church body and in ministries

If being close knit in a church family is important to you it should also be to him!

6.  He has friends that speak edifying words of encouragement and build him up

Most likely you will have to end up hanging around his friends as well and when you do wouldn't you rather be respected and have a sense of being built up?  If he isn't being encouraged by his friends chances are he isn't spiritually growing as much as he could.


7.  He isn't egotistical


Avoid the overly macho types. They’re filled with pride and usually can’t see beyond themselves. The same also applies with the man who is always talking about himself. Such people are too self-centered to give themselves in sacrificial service to others.  And if you are serving him wholeheartedly you only set yourself up for disappointment.  

8. Has desire for you alone

Watch out for men who struggle with their sexual orientation. It is much wiser to avoid the guy altogether who has come out of the homosexual lifestyle, since homosexuality is an especially wicked sin to overcome and, most likely, there will be the constant pull to return to that lifestyle. The potential of serious marital problems and heartaches is heightened when dating or being in a relationship with former homosexuals. However some couples have been able to maintain a healthy, well-balanced marriage despite of their previous lifestyles – and the New Testament clearly recognizes that homosexuals, by the  power of Christ alone, can be delivered from such wretched practices (1 Corinthians 6:9-11).  If you are considering marriage to a former homosexual you should at least be aware of the unique and potentially harmful problems that stand before you.

9.  Rebukes when necessary 

A true friend is the one who is honest enough to tell us what we need to hear, rather than to flatter us.

(Proverbs 27:5-6) 

10.  He sharpens you and leads you with wise counsel

He won't allow you to become intellectually stagnant, but stretches you on to higher and greater thoughts. (Proverbs 27:17; 20:5; )

After you have made your list based on the above and other few things you know to be essential specifically to you, only add a few preferences based on your lifestyle.  For example if you like to work out on a regular basis and know you will keep that up in the years to come add that he should also want to work out with you and so forth. But keep those preferences to a minimum!  

Lastly I encourage you to pray over your new list and only use it when you find yourself in a serious relationship.  There is no reason why you should be constantly comparing and contrasting men on a daily basis.  Get to know people first.  Focus on doing the Lords work and in His perfect timing He will bring the right person to you.  

Focus on what you can do to better his life rather than what he can do for you! 

Blessings

Hayden Lorraine ~